@LuvPug: I can't get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won't count

@OtherDanOBrien: [Bomb will explode in 26 seconds] *googles "how to defuse a bomb"* *clicks top result* *it's a 17-page slideshow.* GODDAMMIT *an ad plays*

@pakalupapito: i have two moods: ・sleep is for the weak ・sleeping for a week

@xLiserx: My autocorrect just changed "I'm off" to "I'm DTF" and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.

@GroupieNo1: A beautiful girl said hello to me. I replied 'thank you' before I could think.