@nPhelendriqal: No autocorrect, I don't want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.

@thenatewolf: I got stung by an applebee and now I'm going into bananaphylactic shock.

@Lai_Bhari: Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

@lisaxy424: I'm at the point in my life where "friend with benefits" just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.

@XplodingUnicorn: [hardware store] Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff Wife: Fine Clerk: Can I help you? Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails