@iGreenMonk: I left the womb for this?
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@Smooheed: Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
@Dani_Feld: Dear millionaires, If you don't have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you're spending it wrong.
@BlindChow: [unleashes dog at dog park] me: don't embarrass me now dog: i won't *sees pretty girl* me: hi, i'm– dog: he drinks wine through a straw
@Lilbyrdy: My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.