Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
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Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
Spell check is for lasers.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
One time I made my Scottish born mama red beans and rice when she came to Texas for a visit and after she accused me of trying to kill her.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I think I’m having a stroke
I’m Irish which is kinda like being Sith, if I’m mad you can feel my hatred from anywhere in the galaxy
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”