I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
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What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
Received some very disappointing news today
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts