I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
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Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
There’s nothing creepier than the way they’re relentlessly pushing eating bugs.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?