I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
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Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
absolute chaos
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.