@Brentweets: I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
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@JohnLyonTweets: The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we'll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
@TheToxicWaster: My wife said she wants a divorce for valentines day. I wasn't planning to spend that much..
@urmumsausername: I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck Did I buy it? Of course I did! Well, I couldn't turn it down Could I?
@themorris23: If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like "whatever Jesus, the book was better."