I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
You Might Also Like
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
Facebook memories be like
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
More like Kate Missington.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.