I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
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*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.