I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
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[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
Software Development ⛵️
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
an airline just for babies.
I only eat vegetarians.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.