I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
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Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
December birthdays be like…
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
But wait…
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker