@Chumpstring: I let people know that I'm no weirdo. I say "I'm no weirdo!" From that point forward, it's just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
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@Tierno158: Doctors in Zurich, Switzerland, in a 14-hour operation, successfully separated the conjoined Facebook account of a husband and wife.
@TheCatWhisprer: [cat support technician] Me: So you're here to fix my computer? Cat: *nods* Me: Great, here it is. Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
@pixelatedboat: *Bashar al-Assad pulls the fake handshake/hair slick move on Trump* Dems: Yesssssss! Assad is bae now!