I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
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As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.