I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
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Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help