@HeidiCF8: I licked 8 lollipops and sealed them in ziplocs during my stomach flu if anyone needs to lose 5lbs by the weekend.
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@Smooheed: Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
@iwearaonesie: [Jurassic Park] kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur? me: What? kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus me *pushes him out of the tree*
@stephenjmolloy: [Pilot intercom] Me: "Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume."