ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
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I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I think they could have phrased this better
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Britain be like
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family