I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
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My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….