I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
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Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
me: what is it boy?
my stomach: brrrggfkppr
me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?
my stomach: hrrrbbb
me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Are you sure you just saw 1 spider, or was it actually 1 spider + 500 spider babies on her back? Anyway, have a good day.
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift