@shutupmikeginn: I lied and told someone, "I can't go to your party I have diarrhea." I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn't stopped me
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@Storminika: I can't sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I'm an owl.
@TheCatWhisprer: ME: bartender. another. BARTENDER: but you just- ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER [bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
@zachreinert03: In Texas you're allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I'd host sooo many parties
@Jennifergr8: Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then? nnHe replied....chicken.nnnThank god he is good looking.