I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
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Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.