@AndyAsAdjective: I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
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@PJTLynch:  "Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?" Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
@daemonic3: [1st date] HER: So do you have any hobbies? SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor HER: What?! HIM: Just ventriloquism
@BuckyIsotope: [on first date] Yes I'll have the- *whispers to waiter* I don't speak French *points at menu* "The French toast, sir?" Yeah. 6 of those.