@AndyAsAdjective: I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
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@ibid78: [sees a kid at the park doing the pee pee dance] "NO KID, WAIT- [it starts raining buckets of pee]
@bidenandobama: Biden: why can't I log into my twitter what's everyone talking about today Obama:
@DKSC4LIFE: LIFE HACK: If you’re a spy, marry a vegan. They won’t be upset when they find out you’re a plant.
@HatfieldAnne: Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo: -Everything bites -So much pushing -Did you bring quarters? -OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils