I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
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You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Always the camel, never the toe.
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
My 11 y/o daughter just casually told me she wants to start a company where people can order bacon, ham and sausage delivered to their house and call it “Hamazon.” This is why the world has billionaires.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo