[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
You Might Also Like
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
what does he know…
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
The best shot in the history of golf
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
oh my god
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place