The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
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I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
I’ve failed the “I am not a robot” captchas so often the robots have started including me in their World Domination chat rooms and bake sales.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house