I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
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friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
I can’t wait!
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Good boy 😂😂
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up