People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
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due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Care for your back
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
I didn’t come here to be called names
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.