This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
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[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
Detective: cause of death
Coroner: too long in a sensory deprivation tank
Detective: that makes no sense
Coroner: i know what it does Dave
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college