@topaz_kell: I like being handcuffed, but not plant heroin in my car, handcuffed.
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@PaperWash: donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD! waiter: lol no I said soup OR s- [assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
@neiltyson: Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
@FaisalAdam_: In a parallel universe, cartoons are watching us and thinking "how sad, they die if you drop an anvil on their heads..."
@Book_Krazy: Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture? "Sure"[click] Couple: How does it look? "I just got my hair done, so pretty good"