@topaz_kell: I like being handcuffed, but not plant heroin in my car, handcuffed.
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@withanewname: Teacher: We're going to need you to work with your daughter on humility. Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I'll give it a shot.
@CollegeHumorLol: When I see my cat staring out the window, I sit behind him and whisper, "Look, Simba, Everything the light touches is our kingdom".
@lecalabara: Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.