Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
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I am laughing way too hard at this.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
This made me chuckle cuz mood
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Not helping