I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
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[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
The Friday File.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person: