I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
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Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
What flavor cupcake are these
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon