I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
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Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
My dating profile:
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak