Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
You Might Also Like
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Teamwork makes the dream work.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
Goat cheese is for herders.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*