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My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
[Block Party]
Me: The Johnsons brought hotdogs.
Host: Just toss them on the fire.
[Later]
Host: Why are the hotdogs still frozen?
Me: Good news! We won’t have to worry about the Johnsons playing loud music at night!
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard