@goofyrice: I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
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@NicestHippo: *tries online dating* Oh…oh no *tries real life dating* Ok this is actually worse somehow
@upsidedowntrash: [at séance] Me: If you truly are a ghost why don't you move this object Ghost: If you truly are a human why don't you get your shit together
@trevso_electric: "Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we'll call you a liar." -insurance
@Sarcasticsapien: Saying "to each his own" is the best way to tell someone you respect their right to have an extremely stupid opinion.