I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
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BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*