I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
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Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
Autocorrect completely socks
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
This rocks
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly