I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
You Might Also Like
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.