Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
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Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
My attending asked me if I had ADHD but I heard PhD… and i shouted out “no i have a bachelor of science” 😅
4th year is going well.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
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ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
I hope Alan is OK
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”