[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
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I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
How funny!
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
I’ve watched this 17,467 times
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
fair
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.