I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
You Might Also Like
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
Twitter remains undefeated
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono