I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
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CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Got him!
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili