I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
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It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL