@Mikecanrant: I like having fun with strangers in elevators by slowly moving my finger towards the emergency stop button while maintaining eye contact.
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@thepunningman: Farmer: I love my job Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows Farmer: What did you say to me? Wife: You herd
@1_swarthy_dude: Boss:"I'll need those projections done Aesop!" Me:"You mean ASAP?" Boss:"No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson."
@mkpaulsen: My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: What are Nazis? Me: Bad people who we killed a long, long time ago 5: Why were they bad? Me: They kept correcting our grammar