How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
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You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.