I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
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DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”