I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
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Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.