@taylortomlinson: I like horror movies because it's the only place insanely hot people are treated poorly
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@leechee420: I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
@jennalynn518: Whenever a bill collector calls I just give the phone to my toddler and tell her it's Barney.
@weinerdog4life: Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
@ChickenColeman: How to break up with someone- You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: which one? You: MEEEEE BYEEEEEEEE