One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
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hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
favorite tropes as memes
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
The Punning Dead.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Engraved on my tombstone:
No matter how the ground shakes
or what you hear,
please do not dig me up.Especially at night.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.