SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
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My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
If I’m a vampire, I’m going into the ocean to search for Bikini Bottom. I don’t need air and there’s no sunlight? Let’s go.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Kale is made of old hotel shower curtains.
Change my mind.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
Life is a suicide mission.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row