I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.
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Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I want to be the person in every McDonald’s whose job is to sit on the sandwiches just before they go into the bag.
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡