I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
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Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.
I don’t care, the spider’s dead.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
My neck my back my allergy attack
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.