i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
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I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
Someone was bragging on Facebook last night about managing to get into a store *after* official closing time to finish some Christmas shopping, and called it a “Christmas miracle,” and idk what the exact criteria is for getting visited by three ghosts on Christmas Eve but
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.