I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
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A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
me talking to family:
▶🔘──────── 00:02me talking to friends:
▶ 🔘──────── 00:06me going through the Wiki pages for the Netflix ‘Popples’ series & live action Flintstones movies:
▶ 🔘──────── 1:54:28
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.