@ShesARealGenius: I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
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@ThaJawn: (prostate exam) Dr: WOW! I've never seen this before Me: OMG! WHAT *loud click Me: DID YOU JUST TAKE A SELFIE Dr:.. And send Me: WTF?
@LackOfShame: "How can I waste ten seconds of someone's time and make total strangers hate me?" - Credit card chip inventor - Me, writing tweets
@therealelp: jesus could get on twitter and be like "fear not, child. i know for a fact that your going to heaven!" and someone would be like "you're".
@ChaseMit: Hey, people who act like they're about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.