I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
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The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk