@ShesARealGenius: I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
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@heidi420x: if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people's phones.
@truegritrumble: MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite. ME: I'd like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
@deegeemindi: If someone got my name tattooed on them I'd break up with them to prove it was a bad idea.
@dadamantium: Me: Daughters, dude. Driving me crazy, you know? Him: Yeah. Me: Want another juice box, bro? Him: Yeah. 3 year-old neighbor boy gets me.