@JermHimselfish: I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
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@Fred_Delicious: [sex addiction group] "Hi, my name is Fred, and as I've got a saxophone in my hand it's fair to assume I misread the ad"
@MollyRingwraith: I'm just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
@GuyThe_Guy: I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
@shopkins776: I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn't know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating